Joodie's Ramblings

Sexy new Polaroid photos available for my members!

Reconnected with an old friend today. Gah I always have such mixed feelings about doing so. Not sure who I want in my life anymore!

Up early... what to do, what to do. Gotta pay taxes unghh!

I'm clearing out all the old junk on my laptop and it feels really good. Good riddens!

Nobody uses Vox anymore huh?

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I seem to be having some weird database and server issues. I'm not sure if I'll get all your comments but so far I have. This came out of nowhere so I'm trying to fix it. I hate when you don't change anything, but some weird burp happens in the site and everything goes haywire. Please excuse any weirdness or failing of the site. I'm workin on it.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I got an email from someone today expressing that I was taking a bit too long in sending my picture sets via email. To be honest, I felt really ashamed that I hadn't handled the transaction more professionally and promptly. I just want everyone to know that at this point, selling pictures and videos is just a side thing for me to do. I do it when I get a chance to or when I get in the mood for it. But right now I'm learning and trying to turn this into a real way to pay the bills and be a major part of my life. I enjoy talking to all of you so much and I enjoy selling pictures and all of that. I love it. But right now, it's not the only thing happening in my life. I'm trying to figure out school and getting an apartment, at the same time as trying to find a part-time job. I'm sorry if those sound like excuses but they are the facts of my life right now which I cannot change.

In the future I want this site to be a huge part of my life and a part of my career. I'm still learning how to handle many people/customers/friends/tasks at the same time and it's turning out to be more intensive than I expected. There are some girls out there doing this to pay the rent and I respect them so, so very much and I'd love to learn how they do it. But the only way to get to that level is by trying your best, making mistakes, and learning from them. So I'm sorry if I've let any of you down, I don't want this to happen again. You are all so lovely kind people and I don't want anyone being disappointed in me ever.  I hope that you can understand my situation a bit better from this point forward. I'm at a big turning point in my life and I've got a lot on the plate. But I'm not going to stop selling pictures/videos for you just because of that. I just want it to be known that I'm not a machine and that my response time may not be perfect. I don't want anyone being disillusioned or anything by that in the future. I now have a higher level of expectations for myself and I plan to follow through on everything as quickly as possible from now on. Thank you.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

My internet disappeared for awhile and so I've been missing for awhile as well. Anyways, just a quick update. I've been busy with job searching, apartment searching, and life-having. I just want your thoughts. I really like number one the most, and continuing in the same fashion to the last one which I really don't like very much. I wanted to put a tree there but it just ended up looking really unnatural and strange. Anyways, what's your fave? They are all by an AMAZING artist by the name of Audrey Kawasaki. So awesome. This is the link to the piece that is in the first two pictures, I'm totally in love with it. What would suit me best? I love the sexy, erotic but incredibly innocent look to all of her work. Help me get the courage to go through with it! I have a really low tolerance for pain. :-(

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Wow, my lows just keep getting lower and lower. I don't know how many times in the past year and a half I've said "Today is the worst day of my life." And really meant it. To be completely blunt, my life is just fucked up right now. I don't know how else to put it. Today my mom told me I had to get out, for good really. She told me she doesn't trust me and that's she's scared of me. From the moment we just started talking I was just completely, dumbfounded. I was speechless for so many of the terrible things she said about me. I'm one of the least violent or aggressive people you will ever know. And she's saying that because I've been having so much trouble going to school and following through on things, that I just have to get out.

It's all totally ridiculous. Honestly, I just want her to know how hard I try everyday to get to school and live up to her expectations. But trying doesn't get any credit in this house. It's you do it or I don't give a fuck. This is something that I cannot really understand. I just wish she knew how hard it is to always DO things when you're really depressed and in such a weak, scary place in life. But I don't get any credit for trying. Some days it's just harder than others, and I guess since today I didn't do "enough" (like usual) for her, she just laid it out. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. I feel no real connection to her as my mother.

I'm not saying that's how I want things to be either. I really, really, really don't. But how can I be close with someone I can't even begin to understand or get along with. I try to satisfy her as best I can to the point where I have no clue what I need or what I want. Her constricting views of my life are so hard to deal with. It's gotten to a point where I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I really don't.

I'm taking a year off of school after this to travel and see the world, and really find out what I need to be satisfied with myself. Because I have no idea. I told my mom that I wanted to travel and stuff and during our first conversation it was, "I'll have nothing to do with a trip like that and you can't use my car and I won't help you out if you need anything on the road." We had a second conversation about that trip and I still feel like she only sees it as a waste of time where I'm not doing anything "healthy" or whatever. The connection between us has been so totally severed and I don't know how to deal with it. I cried today for 45 minutes just thinking to myself, "I don't have a mom." Over and over again. I felt like she died today.

So I'm going to start looking at apartments and I'm going to see if I can get a short 3-5 month lease on one so I'm not stuck paying it while I'm not living there. I've never looked at apartments before, it's a bit scary. I don't even know if I can get one. I've never had a credit card in my life and I know they check your credit score and all that, so... I'm going blindly. But I just hope this doesn't get any more in the way of me finishing school. This wasn't my plan for myself and this wasn't my parents either, and it doesn't feel good to not know where you stand or where you're going. ... I feel like shit.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Yay, my comments are back up and running. Thank you for letting me know via email that they were down. I don't give myself comments too often so that's one thing I don't catch if there's a problem right away. Anyways, this was a nice four day weekend for me. (Teacher Conventions are my favorite!) But it went by really fast. I got to see a friend I have not seen in quite a while and we went to the movies. Saw IV. It was... not really too great. Wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it if you've been into the previous three. I was hoping it would be re-invented and some new plot would happen in this Saw, but there was no such luck. Games, games, games.

Too bad school is tomorrow. :-\ I'll just keep chugging, like usual. Ooohh, and I've become newly addicted to iTunes TV Show and Movie downloads for watching on my computer. I'd never tried it before yesterday and now I have the full season of "The L Word" and I'm looking for some more good stuff to buy soon. I'll never have to leave my computer again for any of my entertainment needs! Hehe, I don't have much else to blog about. Talk to you all soon. Goodnight.