7 posts from September 2007

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I'm not going to associate with my mother anymore. I'm my own person and I don't need to listen to her bullshit. She said that she is going to take the modem from my computer and send it back to the internet company. I think...not to be bratty (but so I can stay
sane
.) I shall hide it. Honestly, I friggen love blogging and YouTube and emails and the awesome inspiring people I've found through the internet. I would be soooo sad if she took that away from me. I'm a computer dork and I need my internet buddies to entertain me. I may be on/off from now on. I don't really know where my life is going anymore or what my plan of attack is. I know I need to figure one out fast though. I'm truly sorry about all this hassle and crap. *pout* This won't be the last of me.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Today was one of the most difficult days I have had in years. It was bad on every level. I literally took everything that mattered to me, stuffed it into boxes and put it in to my trunk. You see, I have always tried to be a good kid for my mom. But today I just snapped. I was the definition of livid. My mother has a very passive and "in control" demeanor to her, so I've always just kinda agreed with whatever rules she puts on me. But her bullshit really got to me today. I spoke my mind, in a big way. I told her that I only live with her because it's close to my school, it's free and convenient. (Also I can't afford my own place at this moment.) I would love, love, love to move out tomorrow if I had the chance. Long story short, my mother wasn't having any of it. She took some weird caps off all the hoses in my car so it wouldn't start.

All in all, I'm starting a "Help me get the fuck out of here" campaign. (Not really.) She makes me feel like a 10 year old. She tells me "don't use me as an excuse to not have fun." But honestly, the thought of me doing anything she doesn't agree with (she's very old-timey and conservative) is terrifying. I don't even want to know what kind of bullshit she would pull on me. I told her that I have absolutely no idea who I am, because of all of her judgements, rules and stuff. She basically just told me off. I asked for the caps back for my car and she's like, "Just relax and stop acting like a two year old." I had never been more serious in my life. All my anxiety and fear that rules my life has come from her in a big way.

I'm ranting right now, but she told me she was going to cancel the internet...so I don't know if I'll have it tomorrow or not. She doesn't know I blog, and honestly without my blog and your emails I'd probably be in a hospital again right now. If she takes it away, I'll be so lost. Which is why I really just need to get the hell out of here and start supporting myself. But I've been applying for jobs for months and months, no one is really hiring though so I don't really know what to do. Basically, I'm completely miserable and I don't see any end in sight. I hate this feeling and I don't want to be trapped here, but I really am. This is just pure hell. I'm not happy, at all. So I'm sorry if I disappear for awhile, I don't have any way of checking my email without my computer/internet but if my mom ends up not canceling the internet I would love some advice or support. I'm just totally lost.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Recently whilst staring about my room in utter boredom I began to daydream about how many times I've changed the look of my bedroom over the years. When I was younger it was all about toys, fun, forts, etc. You get the idea, then I began to think about my future. Living on my own, in an apartment and what that might look like. I thought, would it even be worth it to decorate it elaborately when I'll probably want to change it completely in a month or year? So I'm wondering about my identity. I've found it incredibly difficult to work on finding mine. But then, I'm not sure, is it something you find or discover? Or is it something that develops from all your life experiences and such... Right now, I can't say I really know who I am or what I'm really capable of. It's scary to think that in not so many months I'll be faced with real life. I'll have to make myself into someone and work hard to succeed at whatever I'm doing. What is identity really? Where can I find one? Are they expensive? How long do they last? Is it a durable thing? What happens if I lose it? Man, my sleeping pills stopped working and I haven't been able to sleep for several days. This is not much fun. I wrote a very interesting article on Knife and Loud about "The Most Common Mistaken Beliefs in Modern Society". It's a decent read, I'm really just trying to decide where I want to go with a lot of things. ...This is a somewhat random, meaningless blog post. I'll let you get on to something more important now. ;-)

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

You know that when your skin begins to feel like the enemy, your burnt pretty bad. I went to the International Kite Festival today here is Milwaukee. I brought my camera with me and got many amazing shots! This morning I woke up at 9AM for no reason at all. And I was wide awake. So I went to see the "grand launch" which was neat. But what the $&%# I never wake up before 10:30 or 11:00 really?! It was strange but I liked it. Honestly, it may be a little lame, but my horoscope from this one particular site seems to be dead on every day. So I'm sort of beginning to gain some insight and advice for my day from it. Yesterday it said this:

"Do what is expected of you early in the day so you can have flexibility to withdraw later on."

So I woke up early and went out into the world! And I got sunburned. Icky. That's just one of my attractive new sun lines... Anyways, I also rolled my ankle today. Worse than I ever have before. It made a stomach turning very loud crunch when I did it. My brother was like, "Wow, are you okay?" And I just fell over sort of in shock and pain. I've never ever rolled my ankle that bad before. If I move it the wrong way now it hurts, sort of like a nasty bruise. I hope that I didn't mess it up or anything. Does this type of thing heal on it own? Youch. I'm busy working on my portfolio for college applications and I have literally about 5 times the amount of content I'm supposed to have. I'm brining my book into school to get some help from my art teachers so I can narrow some of it down. I don't want to ditch any of it! :-( Bad events today, but good day overall.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Alright, so I have to admit that I'm a bit of a self-improvement junkie. I'm a perpetual perfectionist in every way. So anways, I went to Barnes and Noble to waste some time today after a mouse was scurrying in our living room! (I hate mice. I'm typical and I stand on chairs screaming whenever I see one.) So I was terrified to sit on my couch. I left, went to visit my friend David at work and then I went over to Barnes and Noble, like I said before. My favorite sections are the photography, art, beauty, eastern religions, health and fitness, self improvement, DVDs and the music section. I read the occasional poetry book as well. Everytime I got into that store I get so overwhelmed with all the millions of books I want. My house and bedroom is completely overflowing with books and magazines. I'm a junkie! A crazy book junkie. Alright, now that you know my innermost secret I'll share with you another fact, I make mistakes sometimes. Eeeek! Hard to believe right? Well anyways, I spent about an hour reading book jackets and looking through many titles and authors when I finally had my pile whittled down to two books. So after lots of pit-stops I get to the cash register. As I'm waiting for my turn in line I go digging through my purse in search of my wallet. Problem was, it wasn't in there. I dug and dug and dug. And then I remembered that I had left my wallet in my car after switching from my school bag (much too large to carry around in stores) to my regular purse. Yeah, so I ended up just leaving with no books. :-( I've never left that store empty handed. Hehe. Well there's my story for the day. I'm tired and I have a lot to do tomorrow morning before going to school so I best get some shut-eye.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

First day back to school after the long weekend. I was almost late, but I made it just in time. I love my sleep! Anyways, I thought I'd talk about my recent favorite new site. As my first attempt towards making blogging my main source of income, I've joined PayPerPost. I've always been amazed by those who can bring their unique view of the world (because everyone has one) and share it with others. It's part of the reason I run Knife and Loud. I'm always trying to come up with news ways to share my point of view, my opinion, my observations, my interpretations and my life. Payperpost offers an awesome way to do all of this and get paid for it. It really takes a special person to be able to dedicate themselves to writing with no promise of fame, fortune, or even any recognition. But PayPerPost really gives everyone a chance to write about what they love and make a little bit of money that they deserve. In other words, this service is totally awesome for anyone out there with a blog. I highly suggest it for anyone interested. You get more opportunities available to you the more you blog and the more hits you get. Essentially the first few posts you may do for PayPerPost might be difficult to write about at first. But the more you do it, the more chances you have to write about what you love.

And by the way, thanks for all your lovely comments and emails in regards to the last post. You are all truly special people to me and I'm so glad that you can be so understanding and kind to me. I think that this first week or two or school have me a little out of whack, but I'm working on getting back in to the swing of things again. Thank you all! <3

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I honestly have no idea how some of my blogging friends do it. That is, updates at least once a day, awesome responses to feedback and comments and thousands of hits a day. It appears relatively easy for them sometimes, even though, I'm really learning it's not at all. When I started this blog I really didn't think anyone would really read it or that I'd get any substantial hits. I really just started a blog back up because I love to journal, I love coding, I love designing and I love photographing and documenting life. And somehow over the past few months this has really become a full time job for me. Which is something I was totally unprepared for. I've never done anything so involved or all-consuming before.

I spend my days trying to find that balance that I haven't gotten quite right yet between family, friends, art, networking, school, college, blogs, emails, photos, living, eating and breathing! I'm just really excited that this website and all my other little projects have kind of grown into things that I know I will be working on for a while. I just want to apologize also for not being 100% consistent with my responses to your emails, comments and feedback. I've said it before and I will say it again, I read everything you send me. But somehow I now receive between 80-110 emails a day. I'd say about half of it is junk and the rest is either information I need to keep or people I need to respond to. Every day I try to find the time to get back to everyone that writes me, but before that I try to write a post or two, read and comment on other blogs, and have a school/social life as well.

It has been a little difficult for me to adjust to this new approach to my days. I try to pack in as much as I can before hitting the hay at sometimes 3 or 4 in the morning, beat beyond belief. So I just want everyone to know that I'm no expert blogger, and I'm not the most prompt responder (I can't hide those facts as much as I'd like to), but I want you all to know that I'm trying my best and I will continue everyday to try to find the time to do those extra things that are always on the bottom of my to-do lists. Truthfully, I love blogging. But that doesn't mean it's completely easy for me. It just means I'll work damn hard to do my best everyday.