10 posts from October 2007

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Wow, my lows just keep getting lower and lower. I don't know how many times in the past year and a half I've said "Today is the worst day of my life." And really meant it. To be completely blunt, my life is just fucked up right now. I don't know how else to put it. Today my mom told me I had to get out, for good really. She told me she doesn't trust me and that's she's scared of me. From the moment we just started talking I was just completely, dumbfounded. I was speechless for so many of the terrible things she said about me. I'm one of the least violent or aggressive people you will ever know. And she's saying that because I've been having so much trouble going to school and following through on things, that I just have to get out.

It's all totally ridiculous. Honestly, I just want her to know how hard I try everyday to get to school and live up to her expectations. But trying doesn't get any credit in this house. It's you do it or I don't give a fuck. This is something that I cannot really understand. I just wish she knew how hard it is to always DO things when you're really depressed and in such a weak, scary place in life. But I don't get any credit for trying. Some days it's just harder than others, and I guess since today I didn't do "enough" (like usual) for her, she just laid it out. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. I feel no real connection to her as my mother.

I'm not saying that's how I want things to be either. I really, really, really don't. But how can I be close with someone I can't even begin to understand or get along with. I try to satisfy her as best I can to the point where I have no clue what I need or what I want. Her constricting views of my life are so hard to deal with. It's gotten to a point where I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I really don't.

I'm taking a year off of school after this to travel and see the world, and really find out what I need to be satisfied with myself. Because I have no idea. I told my mom that I wanted to travel and stuff and during our first conversation it was, "I'll have nothing to do with a trip like that and you can't use my car and I won't help you out if you need anything on the road." We had a second conversation about that trip and I still feel like she only sees it as a waste of time where I'm not doing anything "healthy" or whatever. The connection between us has been so totally severed and I don't know how to deal with it. I cried today for 45 minutes just thinking to myself, "I don't have a mom." Over and over again. I felt like she died today.

So I'm going to start looking at apartments and I'm going to see if I can get a short 3-5 month lease on one so I'm not stuck paying it while I'm not living there. I've never looked at apartments before, it's a bit scary. I don't even know if I can get one. I've never had a credit card in my life and I know they check your credit score and all that, so... I'm going blindly. But I just hope this doesn't get any more in the way of me finishing school. This wasn't my plan for myself and this wasn't my parents either, and it doesn't feel good to not know where you stand or where you're going. ... I feel like shit.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Yay, my comments are back up and running. Thank you for letting me know via email that they were down. I don't give myself comments too often so that's one thing I don't catch if there's a problem right away. Anyways, this was a nice four day weekend for me. (Teacher Conventions are my favorite!) But it went by really fast. I got to see a friend I have not seen in quite a while and we went to the movies. Saw IV. It was... not really too great. Wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it if you've been into the previous three. I was hoping it would be re-invented and some new plot would happen in this Saw, but there was no such luck. Games, games, games.

Too bad school is tomorrow. :-\ I'll just keep chugging, like usual. Ooohh, and I've become newly addicted to iTunes TV Show and Movie downloads for watching on my computer. I'd never tried it before yesterday and now I have the full season of "The L Word" and I'm looking for some more good stuff to buy soon. I'll never have to leave my computer again for any of my entertainment needs! Hehe, I don't have much else to blog about. Talk to you all soon. Goodnight.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

This video is from House on the Rock for my birthday. The whole place was filled with mechanical instruments that would play all these wacky songs. Tons of animatronics and craziness. This one was from the "Red Room" and the song was not one of my favorites, but the rest of the rooms were lit really poorly and it was just blackness. So I hope you enjoy a taste of my birthday celebration!

If you cannot see the video here is the direct link.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I just uploaded a pretty small set for those visiting my site for the first time. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time in front of my computer the past few days just due to all that family stuff I've been dealing with. My energy has been kinda low, and I really hate being tired all the time because I'm just not myself. Last Friday I went out to House on the Rock in Spring Green, Wisconsin with my friend David. Then we hung out in Madison for a while. I bought a few things from Urban Outfitters but the store was a bit of a disappointment. They never seem to have the stuff that's up on their website. I'll probably be closing the poll about site content very soon. I see that most of you would really like more blog posts and more pictures. So that's what I will be concentrating my time on from now on. I'm trying to set things up with CCBill so that I can have a whole gallery/member section for you guys... but it's going slow, (mostly my fault). I haven't heard from some of you in awhile. How is everyone doing??

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Certain aspects of my life really feel a little bit better know that my birthday is over. I got a little spoiled and it brought my spirits up a bit. Things are still far from being okay, but I don't want anyone to worry about me. I do enough worrying for 100 people myself. I got an awesome care package and some awesome emails from you guys. I also got a delicious birthday cake (it's huge and will probably put me into a sugar coma) and then a bouquet of roses and a bouquet of cookies. Yes a bouquet of cookies! Cookies By Design. Yummmmmmmmmm! I'll be adding pictures soon. Tomorrow I'm celebrating with my friend David. It should be a fun and hopefully not to exhausting day.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Winter is coming and I want to rock all this stuff for the season. <33333 Eeee, that's love.
So it's officially my birthday today. As excited as I was for the past few weeks about it, my feelings are completly mixed at the moment. According to what my mom told me, I need to move out as soon as I can find a place to live. Why? Because I haven't been going to school. To be completely honest, I've been wanting to make very stupid decisions for the past 3 weeks. I've just been feeling totally completely low that I just keep thinking about ending it all. For good. This isn't me asking for pity or anything. It's just where I'm at. I've been wanting to die for 3 weeks, and I haven't been to school since some time in September. It's fucked up and I realize that I have absolutely no time left to make all these choices I need to make.

College Portfolio Day is this Saturday, and I was getting all ready for that for a while but now, I just want to drop out of high school and get the hell out of this house. I have so many things coming at me at this point in my life, but I'm just like stuck at the bottom of a hole, and I just can't make any healthy decisions. It's just this: I decide whether to finish school now, or not. I'm personally in a completely terrible place right now and I just keep expecting it to get better. I go to therapy, I take 16493 pills a day to make me feel more stable. But I just cannot find it in to me make it through all this. And it's been such a pattern, I've been here twice or three times before and I completely hate it.

The only difference now is that my entire future is really on the line. I'm totally lost. I know in my head that I should go to school and just fucking finish it out, but my heart is just like... this is going to ultimately kill you. So I'm totally torn. This is about as real as a blog post can get I guess, haha. Sorry for the drama, I'm not asking for anyone to solve my problems. I've asked everyone I could and I realize that everything is completely in my lap right now. But I just don't know what to do with all these thoughts and choices. I don't want to end up back in a psychiatric hospital again, because it's just a dumb temporary fix. I need something to just break open inside me so that everything will be okay, not good, not great... just okay. So I can have some sort of future. I'm just so fucking low right now and I could ramble on forever, but it never gets me anywhere, so I'll stop now. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I am officially back now. Hopefully for good and with a vengeance. I'm not very happy that this whole transition for me to finish school and start living my own life is not a smooth one. My relationship with my mom has just gotten so terrible and tense in the past few weeks. A lot of the time she sort of throws all of these responsibilities at me out of anger and spite. (Haha, and I'm really stubborn so I hate to do it then.) But I just wish it could be sort of a fun thing where I get to start taking care of more of my own stuff and being able to make more decisions without her. But it's just not going that way at all. My plans after high school include moving to California. I wanted to take a reallllly long road trip there during the summer with my car. But my mom was just like, "No, the car won't make it and it's under my name you can't take it." That's just one example of our less than pleseant conversations. It's just tough to have made plans for yourself assuming your family will be there to support and help you only to find out that they are going to be extremely closed minded about the whole thing. I mean, pointing out that I might have car trouble is one thing, saying 'no it's mine, you can't have it' (after letting me use it for a year without restrictions) is just insane. :-( Other than that family stuff I'm doing pretty good. I'm ultra behind on all my email and homework duty so I've prepped myself to get back on track and work hard through graduation (January).

After that, I really have no clue what's in store for me. My mom has also told me that I need to move out in like January or December because of all the school stuff I've been going through. Which is my punishment. I find that incredibly frustrating because she expects me to be able to finish my last year of school while finding my first place to live and figuring out how the fuck I'm going to pay for rent... *sigh* My dad's birthday is tomorrow. I have no present or card, but I really wish I hung out with him more. Everything just seems very, very difficult right now. Having my mom cut me off pretty much and telling me I have to pay for pretty much everything I want (other than rent) has got me really stressed out. Basically I'm back, and I'm going to keep fighting through this, alone. I really thought growing into an adult and finishing school would have my relationship with my mom changing... but for the better. Where we could start to bond in a new way. But it's all just her punishing me and being selfish and playing lots of immature games with me. I don't like her at all right now. *Sorry for the ranty, sad post. It's just how I'm feeling right now.*

Honestly, I feel like no one really know where I'm coming from or where I'm trying to go. I have absolutely no role models or people to look to for guidance anymore. My social worker constantly tells me how my idea of leaving and moving away and going on a road trip is such a bad idea, and that I shouldn't do it. I'm not good at convincing myself to do something for myself, because I've had so many people in my life tell me how I don't know myself at all and how I make decisions based on magical thinking or without thinking. I don't think I do that at all. I'm an incredibly realistic person, and I don't think that moving out of state is something easy to do, I'll be leaving everything I know. But that's where I'd like to be and I think I just need to find someone willing to support me, and guide me. And not just tell me how dumb or stupid it is...

Lots of pictures coming soon! I'm going to amp up this site as much as I can, while managing school and life. Keep coming back and looking for new sets. Tell all your friends, haha.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

I am officially back now. Hopefully for good and with a vengeance. I'm not very happy that this whole transition for me to finish school and start living my own life is not a smooth one. My relationship with my mom has just gotten so terrible and tense in the past few weeks. A lot of the time she sort of throws all of these responsibilities at me out of anger and spite. (Haha, and I'm really stubborn so I hate to do it then.) But I just wish it could be sort of a fun thing where I get to start taking care of more of my own stuff and being able to make more decisions without her. But it's just not going that way at all. My plans after high school include moving to California. I wanted to take a reallllly long road trip there during the summer with my car. But my mom was just like, "No, the car won't make it and it's under my name you can't take it." That's just one example of our less than pleseant conversations. It's just tough to have made plans for yourself assuming your family will be there to support and help you only to find out that they are going to be extremely closed minded about the whole thing. I mean, pointing out that I might have car trouble is one thing, saying 'no it's mine, you can't have it' (after letting me use it for a year without restrictions) is just insane. :-( Other than that family stuff I'm doing pretty good. I'm ultra behind on all my email and homework duty so I've prepped myself to get back on track and work hard through graduation (January).

After that, I really have no clue what's in store for me. My mom has also told me that I need to move out in like January or December because of all the school stuff I've been going through. Which is my punishment. I find that incredibly frustrating because she expects me to be able to finish my last year of school while finding my first place to live and figuring out how the fuck I'm going to pay for rent... *sigh* My dad's birthday is tomorrow. I have no present or card, but I really wish I hung out with him more. Everything just seems very, very difficult right now. Having my mom cut me off pretty much and telling me I have to pay for pretty much everything I want (other than rent) has got me really stressed out. Basically I'm back, and I'm going to keep fighting through this, alone. I really thought growing into an adult and finishing school would have my relationship with my mom changing... but for the better. Where we could start to bond in a new way. But it's all just her punishing me and being selfish and playing lots of immature games with me. I don't like her at all right now. *Sorry for the ranty, sad post. It's just how I'm feeling right now.*

Honestly, I feel like no one really know where I'm coming from or where I'm trying to go. I have absolutely no role models or people to look to for guidance anymore. My social worker constantly tells me how my idea of leaving and moving away and going on a road trip is such a bad idea, and that I shouldn't do it. I'm not good at convincing myself to do something for myself, because I've had so many people in my life tell me how I don't know myself at all and how I make decisions based on magical thinking or without thinking. I don't think I do that at all. I'm an incredibly realistic person, and I don't think that moving out of state is something easy to do, I'll be leaving everything I know. But that's where I'd like to be and I think I just need to find someone willing to support me, and guide me. And not just tell me how dumb or stupid it is...

Lots of pictures coming soon! I'm going to amp up this site as much as I can, while managing school and life. Keep coming back and looking for new sets. Tell all your friends, haha.

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Ack... my keyboard and mouse were taken away from me so I haven't been able to get online in forever. I had nearly 360 unread emails... a lot of junk. But also I got some great messages from some of you guys. I'll be responding as sooooon as I can. I sort of pieced my computer back together just for the day. There's no school today or tomorrow and I had some free time. So I found a mouse and keyboard in our basement. I just want you all to know that I'm still alive and stuff. Personally it's been a really, really terrible week. My doctor put me on a new sleep med and it's not working so I'm always tired. I got in a big argument with my therapist and told him I wasn't coming back. (Haha...oh boy!) And I've just been really, really down in the dumps. I feel like crap really. I haven't been able to go to school for several days. I drove there once but could not get out of my car because I was too scared. My art teacher has been calling my house a lot trying to get me to come. But that only makes me feel worse in a sense. But also better. I know there are a lot of people ready to support me there, I just gotta kick all this fucking anxiety. Bleckkkkk. Hopefully I can get myself out of this rut very soon. I don't know when I'll be updating again, but it should be in a few days that I get my internet and stuff "officially" back. How annoying.

My birthday is in less than two weeks now. The 17th!!!!! I'm very excited. I hope my life turns around before then and I can enjoy the day. I don't know what I'm going to do exactly because it's a school day. But that weekend is National Portfolio Day for all the art colleges I might want to go to, so I'll be busy, busy. That could be a good thing, or it could be a hard thing. Not sure which yet. Anyways, I've compiled a wish list that you could look at here if you feel like spoiling the heck out of me.  <3333

Originally published at postlapsaria.net. You can comment here or there.

Ack... my keyboard and mouse were taken away from me so I haven't been able to get online in forever. I had nearly 360 unread emails... a lot of junk. But also I got some great messages from some of you guys. I'll be responding as sooooon as I can. I sort of pieced my computer back together just for the day. There's no school today or tomorrow and I had some free time. So I found a mouse and keyboard in our basement. I just want you all to know that I'm still alive and stuff. Personally it's been a really, really terrible week. My doctor put me on a new sleep med and it's not working so I'm always tired. I got in a big argument with my therapist and told him I wasn't coming back. (Haha...oh boy!) And I've just been really, really down in the dumps. I feel like crap really. I haven't been able to go to school for several days. I drove there once but could not get out of my car because I was too scared. My art teacher has been calling my house a lot trying to get me to come. But that only makes me feel worse in a sense. But also better. I know there are a lot of people ready to support me there, I just gotta kick all this fucking anxiety. Bleckkkkk. Hopefully I can get myself out of this rut very soon. I don't know when I'll be updating again, but it should be in a few days that I get my internet and stuff "officially" back. How annoying.